Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
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The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December