when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
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Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Natural selection at its finest
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE