lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
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A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
#ProTip
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.