I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
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If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Never forget.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Husband of the year 😂