Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
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My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking