Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
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Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH