her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
You Might Also Like
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
shit, they caught us—run!!!
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Ape together strong
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”