me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
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She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”