REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
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I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*