everyone’s a critic
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Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
how much for the angry fruit?
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot