Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
You Might Also Like
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.