* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
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i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
He took my last fry, your honor
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
drew a comic about my origin story
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
this is the best day of my life
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.