Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
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Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I know karate and tons of other words.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo