Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
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Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”