Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
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I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
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Squash
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.