I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
You Might Also Like
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
So creative 😂
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
How to find Kentucky on a map
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*