EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
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[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…