A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
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me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Lmbo
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.