To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
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I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.