kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
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Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
At least my masseuse has my back.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.