I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
You Might Also Like
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
#CoronaOutbreak
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..