Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
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“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
I know this now 😂
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle