*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
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You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
January has been Januweary
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!