A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
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I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
this is the news I live for
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.