interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
You Might Also Like
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes