I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
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In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
sin harder.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.