Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
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Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Mission: Impossible
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.