Still a very good boi….
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whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.