Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
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Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
choose your fighter
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume