What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
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Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
figuring out my emotional availability:
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.