OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
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Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Netflix My bladder
馃
Streaming on demand
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I鈥檓 really not glad to see anybody.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
water it, i dare you
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.