How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
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Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?