CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
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Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot