My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
You Might Also Like
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.