Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
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[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
My biological clock is wheezing.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”