Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
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*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
DOOO EEEET
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.