Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
You Might Also Like
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
White parent Vs Arab parents
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Happy thanksgiving
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash