I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
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Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.