That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
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This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past