Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
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Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Interior design 👌
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs