We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
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My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.