Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
You Might Also Like
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Good morning
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.