Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
You Might Also Like
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.