If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
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My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I’m good, thanks.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.