I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
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Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”