If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
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wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Science memes
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…