If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
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Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender