We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
You Might Also Like
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet