I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
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The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Made something I’m not proud of
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.