Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
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My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.